I observe myself.  I realize that it's not my father's death that hurts me.  We lost each other years ago. 

In 2006, after years of fighting, I broke off contact with my father, only to re-establish contact with him in 2019.

We never spoke to each other again about what had happened back then. I didn't want to rekindle the old arguments.

It would simply have been pointless.

What really hurts me is that we have remained strangers to each other most of our lives.